


A Cardassian Anatomy Lesson

by Halfway_Anna



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Accidental Flirting, Chief medical disaster, Fluff, Garak knew exactly what he was doing, Garashir - Freeform, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, Julian puts the disaster in disaster bi, Keiko is a sweetheart and you can't change my mind, M/M, Post-Episode: s02e22 The Wire, and Julian doesn't know anything, embarrassed Julian, omnisexual space lizard, the usual, you know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-18
Updated: 2019-03-18
Packaged: 2019-11-23 15:00:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18153392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Halfway_Anna/pseuds/Halfway_Anna
Summary: That's the thing about Cardassians...you really need to watch where you put your hands.





	A Cardassian Anatomy Lesson

**Author's Note:**

> *rolls into this fandom 20 years late with Tarkalean Tea*

“Quark, the fire-?”

“Yeah, yeah, I got it.”

Odo watched as the Ferengi proceeded to toss the contents of a wine glass at the small fire and then screech when the alcohol ignited, doubling the size of the blaze. Before the fire could spread, he stretched out and smothered the flames. He looked at Quark with withering irritation.

“I said I had it.” Quark mumbled.

Odo surveyed the rest of the damage with a blank expression. The bar was a sea of overturned tables, broken glass, and spilled drinks. A single high-heeled shoe lay abandoned, no doubt from one of the Dabo girls who had previously fled the bar with the rest of the panicked patrons.

“Quark, you’ve really outdone yourself this time.”

Quark, for his part, was staring forlornly at a smashed bottle of Aldebaran whiskey. It would’ve gotten him almost a full bar of latinum if it weren’t currently dripping down the bar in a sticky green puddle.

“ _I’ve_ outdone myself? This was entirely that moronic Pakled’s fault. When I said I wanted to inspect the merchandise, I didn’t mean in the _middle of my bar_.” Quark replied tartly, gesturing to the chaos.

Narrowly resisting the temptation to roll his eyes, Odo remained unmoved by Quark’s attempt to pin the blame on his ill-chosen trade partner. He continued with his investigation, arms folded rigidly across his chest.

“Now, Quark, you know you’ll have to do better than that. Surely a businessman of your pedigree wouldn’t let such a lucrative deal slip away. From what I hear those Lumbarian Stonebacks you were trying to smuggle fetch a high price with dangerous game hunters.”

“Hunters? Why, Odo, you wound me. My buyer –who had a permit, by the way- was in the exotic pet business. You know I would never sully my good name with illicit animal smuggling.”

“ _Quark-_ ”

Ignoring Odo’s accusation, Quark merely slumped down on to a barstool. His voice sounded far-off, as if he were in shock.

“It was the perfect deal. That Pakled was in way over his head- he broke 14 rules of acquisition in the first 10 minutes of our meeting. He had no idea what those Stonebacks were worth, and I was going to make enough profit to buy 10 of that Risan holoprogram I’ve had my eye on.”

Odo stared at the destroyed bar. He and Quark watched as a tile fell from the ceiling and shattered against the rim of the Dabo wheel. A beat of silence passed between them.

“Those things were supposed to be _pets_?”

***

“There. That might be a little tender in the next couple of days, but you show no signs of infection. Do come down to the infirmary if it’s bothering you.” 

Julian smiled reassuringly at the young ensign. The gash on his arm was long, but not very deep.

It had been quiet in the infirmary all morning, until the incident at Quark’s. Between Odo and Kira, they managed to round up the gremlin-like creatures before they caused too much damage to the promenade, but not before half a dozen people were injured. Frontier medicine, indeed!

“ _Really, Doctor, I can assure you I don’t require any medical assistance_.”

Julian turned to his last patient with a stern expression.

“Sit down Garak, I’m not letting you walk out of my infirmary with an open wound.”

“It’s merely a scratch, my dear doctor. I really must get back to my shop. It’s getting close to Bolian wedding season, you know. They’re quite particular about the stitching.”

Butterflies stirred in Julian’s stomach, and he was barely able to contain a grin. Cardassians could be so ridiculous. Still, he secretly enjoyed the banter he often shared with Garak. If he tried to debate with anyone else on the station, they’d only get annoyed with him. Garak, however, seemed to really enjoy arguing. 

“You know I have my ways of making you stay.” Julian said. He had, after all, managed to get an unwilling Garak through intense withdrawal.

Garak’s gaze flickered away for a moment. “I suppose you do.”

Julian loaded a hypospray full of vaccine booster, carefully adjusting the dose for Cardassian physiology. The Pakled had insisted that the Stonebacks were free from disease, but Julian didn’t like to take chances when it came to his patients.

Garak was still sitting with a pad of gauze pressed to the wound on his chest. Julian administered the hypospray with practiced efficiency, and turned his attention to the wound. Dark blood stained the gauze. Julian frowned, all traces of his earlier playfulness gone as he knelt down. Cardassians were known for their thick skin, so for blood to seep through both the thick fabric of Garak’s shirt _and_ the gauze…

“I thought you said it was just a scratch!” Julian chided.

“It _is_ just a scratch.” Garak chirped, inching away as if to stand.

Julian, now in full Medical Professional Mode, barked a command over his shoulder while he prepared the disinfectant. “Take off your shirt.”

With his back turned, he missed the slight widening of Garak’s eyes. “Now Doctor, I really don’t think-”

“Now, Garak, or I will cut it off of you.”

Garak smiled cryptically again, though it didn’t reach his eyes. “You wouldn’t dare. This is woven from Gip’tar wool, you see, and it’s not so easy to come by.”

Julian wasn’t persuaded. “Please, Garak. It’s too thick to roll up, and I need to clean that wound.”

Dropping to his knees again, Julian slid his hands under the hem of the woolen shirt, and began to push it up gingerly. His palms brushed against the ridges along Garak’s side. Suddenly Garak all but shoved Julian’s hands away.

“Ok, Doctor, if you insist. I’ll do it myself then, if you don’t mind.”

As promised, Garak quickly lifted the shirt over his shoulders, then hung it carefully on the drawer pull next to him. He avoided Julian’s eyes, focusing instead on the top of the man’s head. A scant few of the hairs had turned silver, barely noticeable amidst the sea of dark curls.

Julian was fully engrossed in disinfecting the still-seeping gash, holding the dermal generator steady in his other hand. It didn’t work as well on the scale-like skin as he had hoped, but it didn’t look like there was a chance it would reopen.

“How does that feel now?” Julian asked, looking up at Garak.

“It was always fine, Doctor, but I am certainly in well enough shape to return to my stitching.” 

Garak answered automatically. Julian had been expecting almost that exact unhelpful answer. Cardassians were rather proud of their high pain tolerance, after all. Especially if they were still very much in pain. As a precaution, Julian carefully pressed his palm against the skin adjacent to the newly-healed wound, feeling for any abnormal swelling. He brushed over a scaled ridge, and Garak stiffened.

“ _Doctor_ -” he warned, but Julian cut him off.

“Did that hurt?”

He gently placed his hand against the same spot, carefully watching Garak’s face for a reaction. Garak was pointedly looking away now, though his features remained neutral. Julian moved his hand and pressed again. Nothing. Still skeptical, he moved his hand again, this time brushing along another of the ridges tracing Garak’s ribs. It felt unusually warm. Garak twitched and gritted his teeth.

“That hurts, doesn’t it?!” Julian accused.

“No, Doctor, it doesn’t” Garak said loudly.

Julian’s brow furrowed deeply- he wouldn’t have Cardassian pride get in the way of doing his job. He returned his hand to the now-swollen ridge, running his finger lightly down it. Garak gasped and grabbed Julian’s wrist roughly.

“See? You’re obviously still in pain and I need to find out why!” Julian insisted.

“I’m telling you I’m _fine_!” Garak bit out, still gripping Julian’s wrist. Garak leaned in close, until he and Julian were almost nose to nose. “We can continue this _later_.”

Julian allowed his arm to go limp, but Garak didn’t let go. He sighed in frustration. “Garak, despite your rhetoric about the simplicity of Cardassian physiology, I am not an expert, and if there is something I have missed I need to know what it is! Now, all of your torso ridges are swollen. Does it hurt when I touch them?”

Julian pressed his other hand against Garak’s chest, avoiding any apparently-painful ridges. Garak threw his head back dramatically, gripping Julian’s other wrist.

“Garak, let go of me! Now your whole body is heating up, I have to-”

The sound of someone clearing their throat drew both Julian and Garak’s attention.  
Miles was standing awkwardly at the edge of the room, tightly gripping a medical transport container.  
“Chief, what are you doing here?” Julian asked brightly. He spared a glance at Garak, who dropped his wrists suddenly, as if he’d been burned.

“Well, uh, this arrived for you right when I was finishing up some repairs in the docking ring. I told them I’d bring it over because I was headed down this way to meet Keiko.” Miles said, holding up the case. Julian smiled, rubbing his wrists as he got to his feet.

“Oh, how thoughtful! Thank you, Chief. You can set it on the counter there, I just need to make sure Garak here is-”

“As I said before, doctor, I am _quite fine_.”

Julian was already scanning Garak with a medical tricorder. Garak looked over at Miles with a look that was half pleading and half annoyed.

“Let him go, Julian. A flesh wound like that isn’t going to hurt a Cardassian. Trust me.” He said, shifting his gaze between the two men.

Julian studied the tricorder a moment longer before putting it down, satisfied at last. “Well, Garak, your temperature seems normal and I can detect no sign of infection. I’ll let you go for now, but if that wound gives you any trouble at all-”

Garak waved his hand dismissively as he slipped his shirt back on. “Thank you, Doctor, but I must be going. You can give me a check up later, hm? Good day to you, Chief O’Brian.”

Without another word, he all but marched out of the infirmary. Julian watched him go, shaking his head fondly. He was still smiling to himself when he noticed that Miles was still standing there.

“Is there something else, Chief?”

Miles shifted his weight and looked behind him, looking agitated. “Well, Julian, that was pretty… _unprofessional_ back there.” He said at last.

Julian’s eyes widened. “I- what? Me? What do you mean, unprofessional?”

Miles furrowed his brow and frowned at Julian. “I’ve seen you two at lunch together, I think you know full well what I mean.”

Julian’s face flashed quickly between increasingly confused expressions. “What do our lunches have to do with treating his injury?” he asked. “The dermal regenerator doesn’t work very well on Cardassian skin, and you know how they are about pain-”  
Miles shook his head, stepping forward. He looked hard into Julian’s eyes, then sighed in defeat. Quietly he asked, “You really didn’t know then?”

Julian shook his head almost frantically, looking utterly lost. “Chief, I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Miles heaved another heavy sign, shifting uncomfortably as heat rose to his face.

“ _Chief_?”

“Walk with me, Julian. We need to find Dax.”

 

***

 

Despite the latest disaster, Quark’s was still a bustling hub of activity. The scent of burnt plastic still hung in the air, but the floor had been mopped and all the tables were back where they were supposed to be. Nog and Rom must have worked like crazy to get it clean enough to open again for the lunch rush.

Jadzia twirled the spoon in her hand, greatly enjoying the chocolatey dessert she was calling a well-balanced meal. It was rare for her to be eating alone, but Kira and Sisko were both knee-deep in work. That, and there was no attractive stranger around to introduce herself to. Which was a pity- her evenings as of late had been very free, and it didn’t feel right to visit the holosuite for a third time in one week.

“ _Oh well_.” She thought to herself, savoring another spoonful of fudge sauce.

As if on cue, Miles and Julian came bustling into the bar, looking right at her. Between Julian’s nervous thigh-tapping and the way Miles was keeping his head down, she suspected her lunch might not be so boring after all. She waved at them invitingly.

“You two look like you’re in a hurry. Late for a game of racquetball?” She looked between the two men, a sparkle of mischief in her eyes. They weren’t here to play racquetball and she knew it.

“Julian needs a Cardassian anatomy lesson, and I am _not_ going to be the one to give it to him.” Miles replied bluntly, looking strangely red in the face.

“Oh?” she said innocently, raising an eyebrow.

Julian whipped around to stare at Miles. “Chief, I know I said I wasn’t an expert, but I highly doubt Jadzia has any relevant medical information about Cardassians that I don’t.” He protested. He turned to Jadzia quickly. “No offence.” He added.

She smirked, trying not to be too smug. “Oh, Come on Chief, this is going to be fun. You want to help your friend, don’t you?” She said, grinning like a fox.

Miles groaned, defeated. “I’m getting too old for this.” He muttered.

Jadzia’s smirk was almost predatory as she picked up her plate and pointed to the upper-level tables with her free hand. “C’mon upstairs, boys, this isn’t a middle-of-the-bar type of conversation. You’ll thank me later.”

They settled into a corner table, as far away from any potential eavesdroppers as they could get. A server came by, and they ordered a pot of Tarkalean tea to share. Once the tea was poured and the server out of earshot, their conversation resumed.

“Remind me again why I have to be a part of this?” Miles asked.

Jadzia grinned again. “Because I’m your elder and I said so.”

“Alright, now what?” Julian blurted, obviously trying to sound casual and failing.

Jadzia shared a look with Miles, and turned back to Julian with a smirk. “If I didn't know any better, Julian, I'd say that was fear in your eyes.”

Huffing indignantly, Julian’s frown melted into a pout. “Will you please just tell me what the hell is going on?”

Jadzia chuckled, deciding to stop teasing the poor man for the time being. Besides, she wasn’t done ribbing O’Brian yet. “So, Chief, what makes you think I can help you?”

Predictably, Miles grumbled to himself, shooting her an unimpressed look. “Well-”, he stumbled over his thoughts briefly, “-Well, you’re…knowledgeable, and I figured he’d much rather hear it from you than me. The brilliant Doctor over here is either not as good of a liar as he thinks he is, or he has a pretty serious gap in his understanding of Cardassians.”

Julian rolled his eyes dramatically. “I’m not _lying_ about anything! And I can assure you both that my medical knowledge regarding Cardassians is quite sufficient. Need I remind you that I was second best in my class at Starfleet Medical?”

Jadzia just grinned; the conversation was entirely in her hands, and she could draw it out and savor every juicy bit of it. She slowly glanced at Miles, well aware of Julian tracking her every movement. “What exactly did you walk in on, Chief?”

Miles flushed slightly again. Before he could reply, Julian answered instead. “When he came into the infirmary, I was in the middle of treating a Stoneback wound on Garak’s chest. A completely _routine_ procedure, I might add.”

Jadzia nodded sagely, her suspicions confirmed. Part of her almost felt bad for Julian, but she’d seen the way he looked at Garak. Not to mention the way Garak looked at him.

“That’s the thing about Cardassians…” she took a sip of tea nonchalantly, “You have to watch where you put your hands.”

Julian inhaled a mouthful of tea and started choking.

“I beg your pardon?” he squeaked. A slight flush had spread across his cheeks.

Jadzia Reached out and placed her hand over Julian’s. “I know you were just trying to help, and I know they don’t teach you this in medical school, but the scale ridges on a Cardassian are really sensitive.”

Julian shook his head, still not understanding. “Well, I know _that_ , but-”

“No, I mean like…” Jadzia purposefully trailed her eyes up and down Julian’s figure, “ _sensitive_ , sensitive.”

Watching Julian stare unseeingly into the distance, she could practically see the gears turning in his head. A beat of silence passed. And another. Then all at once, his expression turned to complete horror, and the deep flush of his cheeks spread to the tips of his ears and all the way down his neck. It was so endearing, Jadzia couldn’t help but giggle.

Julian pressed his hands to his face, peeking out between his fingers in abject mortification. He stayed like that for a while, sinking lower and lower into his chair like he was trying to disappear under the table. Finally he groaned, looking up sheepishly.

“That explains the unusual swelling…” he mumbled.

Jadzia laughed good-naturedly. “I think you spent too much time with your nose buried in a book and not enough time chasing tail while you were in med school.” She teased. Julian glanced up at her incredulously, but a smile was beginning to pull at the corners of his mouth. Even Miles had to laugh.

Julian rubbed his hands together awkwardly, still not entirely recovered from his embarrassment. “Garak is never going to want to speak to me again.”

Miles snorted. “I wouldn’t worry about it, Julian. He seemed to be enjoying himself just fine. After all, he did say that you could continue with it later. Twice.”

The sound that came out of Julian's mouth was both an octave too high and entirely undignified.

“ _Chief!_ ”

Both Miles and Jadzia laughed, and Miles placed a supportive hand on Julian’s shoulder.

“Come along then Doctor, You look like you could use a stiff drink.”

Jadzia winked at Julian, pretending not to notice the telling smile just barely pulling at his mouth. She wasn’t even sure Julian realized he was doing it. He and Garak were an odd match, but the events in the infirmary gave her hope that perhaps one day Julian would see the signs and go for it. As she finished the last of her tea, watching the two men disappear on to the promenade, she felt somebody come up behind her.

“Any idea where my husband is going that merits standing me up for our lunch date?” Keiko asked, watching with her arms folded.

Jadzia grinned at her. “Actually, yes. It’s kind of a funny story…care to join me?”

Just as Jadzia had hoped, Keiko raised an eyebrow and smiled back, taking a seat at the table. As pragmatic as Keiko was, she certainly enjoyed a bit of gossip now and again. Especially when her husband and his strange best friend were involved. Jadzia flagged a server and grinned.

“We’ll get two oolong teas with honey, and 2 slices of mango cheesecake.”

Keiko look a bit surprised, but still smiled. “Cheesecake for lunch?” she asked.

“This is a dessert-first kind of story.”

Keiko laughed, settling in for a rare girl’s lunch date. “Well, now I’m really curious.”

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't posted a fic in like 10 years, so thanks for reading! I hope it was ok ^ ^"


End file.
